I am burned out. I have done many things and helped many people. I’ve kept up my blogs, twitter accounts, crafts, volunteer gigs, friendships, home, family, social life and more in addition to working full-time. I’ve learned much through my online & social media experiences. And, I will continue to learn & explore more. But, I can no longer keep up the pace at which I’ve been running. I have been depriving myself of sleep and other basic functions for way too long. I’ve been hell-bent on proving my worth and value to the world through my multitude of activities. Yep. I’ve proved I can do anything I want. Business, technical, artistic. Anything I put my mind to.
I’ve also learned that there is plenty of time to get everything done. Sleep is critical. Living healthy is essential. I have big dreams for my life and I want to do amazing things that shake up the world and make it a better place. But, I must also rest and recuperate in order to create and inspire another day. All together too often I deprive myself of basic functions – food, sleep, play, bio breaks – in favor of learning, doing, achieving, creating, inspiring and researching. I’ve finally come to realize that I can deprive myself no longer. If I do, I will not have the energy, nor the will to be the amazing human I’m meant to be. I have a mission here – it’s called FUN. And, if I don’t start taking care of myself, it’s gonna be damn hard to bring more joy & laughter into the world.
For every up there is a down. For every effect there is a cause, and often many causes. I thought if I could just accomplish one more thing, then I’d be accepted. If I could show the world how amazingly I could think or create then I’d hear “What a great idea” or “I’m impressed by what you’ve thought about. Maybe we can explore this when we have more time.” Where I’ve been failing is that somehow, I thought everyone knew how to cushion or receive ideas. I assumed that the people around me were smart and knew how to be considerate and respectful. Well, we don’t all have the same definitions for those words. They have lots of grey areas. Some people choose to apply consideration and respect when it suits them best.
There’s another side to this coin: giving & receiving. I’m filled to the brim with ideas and just need the right receivers. But there are people who don’t want to receive. Receiving an idea means you have to handle it. You must do something with it. Action required. Some folks don’t want to put out any more effort than necessary. Barriers are placed. Walls are built. Deflection happens. If the ideas keep getting presented to the same receiver, yet they do not play the role of receiver, the giver becomes “backed up” if you will. It’s as if the giver is a flow of water out of a spigot. And the receiver is using their finger to stop the flow of water. At first, you can deflect a few droplets, no problem. But, as the flow increases, either the water is pressed into the spigot and held back (causing the giver to “back up”) or the water floods around the receiver’s finger and off into places unknown. That’s not the best metaphor, but I hope you get the idea.
Sometimes, if I don’t express the flood of ideas that I’m given, I feel like I’ll explode. So, I’ve sought out other avenues for expression and have been revamping my circle of friends to include people who are supportive, creative, and joyful. I’m also learning the right times, people, and places for delivering my ideas. Not everyone is ready for my wild ass ideas. That’s quite alright. The right receivers will show up or I’ll find them when the timing is right be it now or in 10 years. I believe in divine timing.
Leading change and inventing is often lonely. Let’s just say that Invention, Acceptance and Leading don’t often choose to play together on the monkey bars. Like the technology adoption life-cycle, you’re way the hell out front. You’re coming up with things that most people can’t even dream of yet. Inventors and change agents allow the wildly impossible into their daily lives. They not only live with them, they invite them out to play. But, playing with the wildly impossible requires a jungle gym that is open and inviting. Fear becomes a friend that shows you avenues to explore with your designs. Narrow Thinking doesn’t make many friends. And if Narrow Thinking is the leader, they must recognize their limitations and be willing to make friends with and learn from Coloring Outside The Lines and Did You Ever. Otherwise, Narrow Thinking as the leader with a closed mindset will bring storm clouds and darkness to the playground. What Narrow Thinking fails to see is that Coloring Outside The Lines and Did You Ever will meet up with Rose Colored Glasses and invent something that enhances the joy of storm clouds and darkness. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve read adventures where it’s really happened.
I’ve always been independent. “No. Me Do.” I know I can do things. But, I’ve really struggled with acceptance and value. I’m a leader. I’m an inventor. I lead change. I think outside the box. When I ignore that nagging tribal need to be accepted and dig into my self-confidence, I find I can trust in my judgment. But all my life, I’ve been around people who were intent on devaluing my judgment. I’ve given in to their negativity because I want to be accepted. I like to be included. I like to be liked. I’ve been trying really hard to let go of the need to be accepted and respected. Luckily, I’ve been in many a situation where I don’t want to be part of the crowd (read: “Ok, yep, don’t need to be accepted here.”). Those situations are becoming more and more the norm for me. So, in a way, you could say that I’m learning how to let go of the need to be accepted. I’m ok with being a “Google Credit Card” in a world where Visa & MasterCard are accepted.
Respect, on the other hand, is fundamental. You don’t have to like someone to respect them. You don’t necessarily have to be nice/considerate to them either. But let me tell ya, being considerate goes a LONG way. Everyone deserves respect. I don’t think respect is earned. Though unfortunately society typically defines respect by, “You’ve been through hell and proved your worth. Ok, I’ll respect you now.” Ugh. Since our parents had to go through hell to earn their respect, by God we should have to as well. Stop the cycle! Honor your fellow human beings. Acknowledge that they have equal value to you. And, if you’re on the bottom of the totem pole and you’re devaluing yourself, then stop it! In native culture everyone, even the clown, had value. Every role is sacred. Start living your own life as though it is sacred. Start treating the people in your life as though their lives are sacred. You don’t have to like them, but try to respect their place in this world.
We teach what we need to learn. So, as I express how much the implied “you”, reader, need to change your ways, it’s not really you I’m writing to, it’s myself. These are the lessons I’m learning every day. I feel very raw as I write this. It brings tears to my eyes and fills my heart with such intense emotion. I feel so very deeply that sometimes I cannot express myself except through the tears I cry. And this is who I am. intense. I feel deeply. I laugh loudly. I cry. I sing. I yell.
Realizing that I’m burned out has given me much opportunity to explore why. I can see now that part of my burnout was caused by the need to be accepted and respected. Good thing to know. Now, as I find myself burning fumes again, I can pull back and ask, “Why am I pushing myself so hard?” Then, I can address the cause of the issue rather than put a band-aid on the effect.
Don’t be surprised when you see changes to my online persona. I’m pulling in my reins and simplifying my life. That means reducing commitments in both the both physical and virtual world. I see this as a good and necessary step toward recovery.
Fortunately for me, this fiber spoke to me not long ago. I invested in the 
